5 Reasons Why Women (Should) Love Colonoscopies

5 REASONS WOMEN (SHOULD) LOVE COLONOSCOPIES

(True Confessions, Vortexia) – I recently had a colonoscopy. For reasons I won’t go into here, I have had three over the course of ten years. I say it unashamedly. Proudly even.

The king of colon health awareness is, of course, the legendary humorist Dave Berry. Since it would be impossible to top his hilarious piece de resistance, A Journal Into My Colon and Yours miamiherald.com/283/story/427603.html I will simply address the benefits of this procedure from a woman’s perspective.

There are five very good reasons why women should/would love having a colonoscopy:

1. The dreaded “prep” the day before the procedure, in which the patient is expected to drink copious amounts of fluid, and deposit equally copious amounts of fluid in their septic or sewer system, is an excuse to sequester yourself from the niggling demands of husband and/or children.
2. The dreaded “prep” is also a convenient way to drop a couple of pounds over night.
3. You are “knocked out” (semi-conscious) during the actual procedure. It means that you will enjoy a guilt-free deep sleep surrounded by motherly, pampering nurses; during the day, no less. Nice.
4. Upon arriving back home the day of the procedure you can milk your recuperation for all it’s worth. No cooking, no cleaning, no nothing. Grab a blanket, a good book and/or video and sequester yourself from the niggling demands of husband and/or children.
5. Better yet, niggling husbands and/or children will be forced to feel sorry for you and perhaps learn to appreciate you more. At least in the short term, until the day after the procedure when you will be expected to return to full-duty.

The truth be told, I am guilty of Nos. 1-4 above. And no, I don’t care that my husband’s empathy for me stems from the fact he’s glad he’s not the one having the abhorrent procedure. Sympathy is sympathy and I’ll take it whenever I can.

Of course, I jest. Kind of.

Really girls, you can do it! As I’m fond of telling my disbelieving husband: “I’ve given birth three times. A colonoscopy is nothing!”

If you have any suspicious symptoms, see your doctor and ask if you need to have a colonoscopy. If you are uninsured, check with local agencies to see if there are low cost clinics that can help you.

The peace of mind that comes from knowing you have a clean bill of health, or that you were able to catch something early before it became untreatable, is well worth the effort made. Not to mention the perks of rare self-indulgence women can glean from the experience.

Don’t put it off any longer. Do something about it today.

Road Hog Backs Up Interstate Traffic for Miles; Incites Road Rage

ROAD HOG BACKS UP INTERSTATE TRAFFIC FOR MILES; INCITES ROAD RAGE

(Peevesboro, Vortexia) -- A recent trip to Portland on I-5 proved to be another jaw-clenching exercise in self-control for this usually serene writer. The source of my vexation? Road hogs.

Here’s what happened. On a long stretch of the interstate, far from a major city, the traffic had come nearly to a standstill. Moments later, cars behind me began darting into gaps in the slow lane, merging back into the left (passing) lane far ahead of me. Taking their cue, I followed suit.

Was it a wreck that had been holding up traffic? No.

Road construction? Nope.

Then surely, it was rush hour? Guess again.

The culprit was a sophisticated looking woman driving a small luxury vehicle in the passing lane, her elbow resting casually out her window as she chatted away on her cell phone. On her lap was a miniature poodle straining to look over the steering wheel. Cruising nonchalantly at 55 mph (the speed limit in Oregon is 65), she was oblivious to everything and everyone around her.

A better person would have chalked this woman’s infraction up to ignorance, but when it comes to people driving slowly in the passing lane that better person is not me. After considerable fuming, I came to the conclusion that road hogs share three things in common:

1. They travel just at, or below, the speed limit.
2. They presume that as long as they’re not speeding, they can drive in any lane they wish for as long as they want.
3. They either don’t see the signs that say “Slower Traffic Keep Right,” or they choose to ignore them.

I realize there’s probably nothing to be done about the problem; worse yet, I suppose the onus falls on me to control my “road-rage.”

But still, can’t someone invent an LED display for the rear window or bumper of my car that I can program in messages for road-hogs when I pass them? Something like, “Move over imbecile!” or “Get your bum into the slow lane!” or “Pass or give up your spot!”

I guarantee, such an invention would make someone a millionaire. It would certainly make a lot of drivers, like me, very happy.

Sarah Palin May Abandon Her Family and Move To America?

SARAH PALIN MAY ABANDON HER FAMILY TO MOVE TO AMERICA?

(Scary Senior Momentsburg, Vortexia) -- The other day, while watching the news about Governor Sarah Palin’s resignation, grandma made a startling observation.

“So that means she’ll probably leave her kids now and move to America,” she said.

My husband Dave and I looked at each other.

“What do you mean, mom?” my husband asked.

“Well, she can’t bring her family to America with her.”

Intrigued, Dave pressed her further. “When you say ‘America’ you mean ‘Washington,’ don’t you?”

As in, Palin could have her eyes on the White House. Surely, that was what his mentally alert 92-year-old mother, who watches the evening news on a daily basis, meant.

Rather frustrated, she replied, “You know what I mean! She can’t bring her children with her if she moves to America.”

Dave shook his head. “Mom, Alaska is a state; not a different country. She couldn’t have been on a presidential ticket if she wasn’t an American.”

“Oh, that’s right.” Grandma looked chagrined, but also more than a little annoyed.

We won’t mention who she voted for in the last election, nor will we broach the subject of voter intelligence. It would be unkind and pointless and besides, this blog aims to steer clear of political controversies.

That said, it’s senior moments like these that make for priceless memories.

Grandma Abandons Family

GRANDMA ABANDONS FAMILY; HOW DARE SHE HAVE A LIFE OF HER OWN?

(Pity Partytown, Vortexia) – Grandma is leaving. Slowly, but surely, my 92-year-old widowed mother-in-law is spreading her wings after living with us for the last seven months.

Still independent, she has found an apartment at a local senior facility where she will, no doubt, embark on a more exciting life. I guess watching me slouch, slack-jawed, at my computer 8-hours a day wasn’t enough entertainment for her.

Even so, how dare she leave us? Doesn’t she know she has (through no fault of her own) become my pet, my unplanned fourth child? I tiptoe through the house when she sleeps. Because she is too short to reach my cupboards, I set her breakfast out for her every night before going to bed. I drive her to her many appointments, comfort her when she is confused or distraught, and watch programs with her I would never watch myself.

I am facing an empty nest again. That’s the rub. I try telling myself it will be great to have my days back all to myself, but know it’s only half-true.

Of course, I won’t miss worrying that she’ll fall while I’m gone; nor will I miss her fretting fatalistic grousings. But the truth is, I’m going to miss grandma terribly. I’ll miss her lovely soft white hair, her frail little mannerisms, her sweet voice and kind exhortations. I’ll miss her presence here in the house.

On the bright side, I know the new life she is embarking upon will not only be fulfilling for her, but will provide me with countless stories found only in the incomparable world of senior care homes. Anyone remember Yetta on “The Nanny?”

Stay tuned for more…

UNEXPECTED ANNOUNCEMENT THROWS WRENCH IN VORTEXIA

(El Murphy’s Law, Vortexia) – News flash. My youngest daughter has just announced she is moving back home after having lived on her own for a year. Appears we’ll be moving her in as we’re moving grandma out.

Scratch the empty nest lament above.

If universe means “one-song,” vortexiverse means
“crazy melodies with a calm hook”